Musings

    Hallows eve is almost upon us, with a powerful new moon to usher it in tonight. The last few days here in this Southern Oregon Valley have been pretty grey and rainy, they seems to whisper "go inside, light a fire, ruminate." Since I lack the ability to light a little fire in the van I instead attempt to light a little fire in my heart. 

     I follow a few different people/groups who write about new moon/full moon activities, two that come to mind are La Abeja Herbs and Mystic Mama, La Abeja has a new moon/full moon missive that can be sent to your email inbox which I always find to be refreshing and poignant, Mystic Mama the more traditional astrology. While these things don't always sing songs to my soul I find them helpful for the things they can dredge up from the depths. I find that being aware of the astrology and what others interpret to be happening at least makes my look at my own life and emotional well being and challenge myself to examine it with an outsiders eye. Even if that outsider is a planetary one.

     This morning I find myself reflective and curious about my own emotional state and what has brought me to this space, how to move forward in a constructive way and how to honor all that I have experienced thus far, how to start seeking those things which light a fire within and strip away that which does not. The path to healing is a lifelong one, just like the path to knowledge, we are never truly done. I recently read somewhere that - similarly to if I tell you not to think about elephants, what creature do you find in your mind? - to simply tell yourself to let go and move on is not always possible. Instead it can be more helpful to try and put your focus on something else, what drives you? What fills you up? What makes you smile? What lights a fire? Pursue that, go find it. That doesn't need to mean abandoning your life and all you have built, but it is possible to incorporate it into what you already have. Or fuck it, burn the whole thing down and start over, I wouldn't say I've gone that far but... Maybe close. 

     This line of thinking will also take me down the road to self care. How can we heal without taking care of our bodies and minds and spirits. What constitutes self care for you? Is it meditation? Chanting? Nature? Walking? Sewing? Quilting? Knitting? Kickboxing? Dancing naked in the starlight? Making sure you drink enough water in a day? Playing the spoons? Playing with your dog? Playing with yourself (aw c'mon, we're all adults here)? Painting? I know what my self care practice has looked like up to this point and I have been pretty good about fulfilling my needs in that department, something that has only been true in the last year or so. But as I recently realized in chatting with my best bud, your self care practice needs to adapt to your environment. Maybe what was once the most important thing isn't anymore. Maybe self care means something different to you now and you need to let go of a component of it for now. Most important is to not beat yourself up for not being able to do everything all the time. My superwoman complex leaves me guilty of this often. I feel I should be able to do all the things all the time but it's not always so easy as that. 

     My last and most challenging musing today centers around that idea of letting go. I want so badly to be able to just let go, of so many things. But there is another part of me that is glad I can't. Maybe it is important to make the distinction between letting go and forgetting, and letting go and honoring. Obviously we can't hold on to things forever (or can but probably shouldn't). Especially things that involve other people. But it is so important to me to honor that thing, whatever it is, and the lessons it left and the impression. So obviously you can let something go but how to keep it alive inside of you without it hurting so much is something I've not yet mastered, and I don't really know how to start. Trial and error I suppose. And time. Time (and hard work) heals all wounds.

     And with that, dreamers goblins and ghouls alike, may you have mystical magical wanderings and may you light fires, physical and otherwise, all around you.

     Love,

Alex

     PS - Here is this lovely bovine I met today. She was calm and curious and beautiful and I sang to her and it was its own kind of healing.

Back to Basics

     I had forgotten how much can happen in a week. Such a cascade of emotions seems to be following me around and I have been looking over my shoulder saying just wait a minute, please, just give me a moment to get my shit together. Today I have a day of peace for the first time in what feels like months. Today all I have to do is take care of my self and my companion. Today I start to watch those emotions with a little more attention. I knew they wouldn't just bugger off. They are tied to me with little bits of string and shoelaces and they don't mind tumbling along behind me for as long as it takes. 

     I had also forgotten how when you are by yourself and on the road how very challenging it seems to be able to accomplish all the things you need to in a day. I suppose last time I did this I wasn't working so that made it a little easier. I seem to struggle to satisfy my basic needs and make time for all the things I feel I need to be complete. Maybe I need to readjust my idea of complete. Food, water, shelter, sleep, exercise. That last one seems to be the hardest to accomplish, and all of these with the smallest monetary output possible. I suppose that is part of the adventure and part of how you learn to be adaptable. And learning is the whole point. 

     Way back when I first started this blog I found a woodcut print called "Flammarion." It has remained the background to this blog and the background to my computer screen ever since. Flammarion refers to 'the scientific or mystical quest for knowledge.' Among many other circumstances and needs this is a big one that has led me on this venture. I hold in me an insatiable lust for knowledge. I can't seem to ever know enough, about the natural world, about art, about human emotion (my own and others), about people, about the stars, about everything. Here we have an exercise in seeking that knowledge. I was stuck in Portland, I had enjoyed a year of momentous growth, I had watched myself evolve in a way I had no idea was possible. And then I got a little lost for a while. I was crippled, by many things. The city was a big thing, what once had fed me and filled me now drained me and left me feeling empty and sad. So into the woods I realized I needed to wander. And the quest for knowledge continues... 

     Sweet wandering dreamers,

     Alex

Early Mornings Are Where I Vibe

     Officially not a fan of normal people hours. I mean I don't know how you all do it? Working 9-5 or 10-6 how do you ever see daylight? Through the windows? That doesn't count. While this gig is temporary it has solidified for me what years of conditioning have made true. I am made to get up early. 3 O'clock is approximately my latest productive hour. After that I become all but useless. Unfortunately I think its frowned upon to knock on peoples doors as 6 am and say "I'm here to work!" Enthusiasm is generally not encouraged at that hour. So I am trying to make it work by still rising in the morning and getting all I can accomplished in these early hours, maybe see a few hours of daylight before heading out to the farm to work on the crop. Which, I should say, is beautiful and my host/boss is wonderful. We are working in a beautiful space full of plants and sunlight and with views of the farmland below, horses and llamas frolicking and such. Good music and good food, yesterday even some live music to accompany the work. All in all its a pretty good gig for the time being. Easy to loose perspective over the little things.

     Last night was my first night in the van in the city and I must admit it was a little nerve wracking. This city is still very foreign to me and I don't really know the areas that would be good to park in so I just kind of drove around looking for somewhere suitable. I did end up finding a spot kind of between residential and industrial, it was not my ideal and not what I will look for going forward but it worked for last night.

     It can be difficult to shed ones expectations. I feel like leading up to this trip I spent a lot of time talking about what I was going to do and getting advice and feedback from people about what I was doing (van living and seasonal farm work). While I think that research is very important and I don't like walking into things blindly I have a hard time separating the horror stories, that people seem to love to share, from a more pragmatic view point. I think it will be very important to follow my instincts and let my own inner alarm bells warn me if something is amiss (and my canine alarm) if I want to find any enjoyment in this experience. While the freedom of it is definitely liberating I am still very tired. I feel myself slowly coming back into my body but it is a little like learning to be a person again. Where do I brush my teeth? Bathroom? What if I want to cook? Yoga? Luckily I have found solutions to most of these already but none are perfect solutions and it feels like it takes a lot longer to accomplish anything this way. Maybe that's because the city is unfamiliar and I'm still learning my way around. I certainly seem to find myself driving around looking for park entrances a lot. Ashland is very secretive about getting into its parks apparently. I think in time all will become easier and more familiar, and if not then it will be an experience for the books and I will be on to the next adventure!

So dear dreamers with that I shall leave you with some pretty vistas, I hope to go find a beautiful sunrise this morning and that is what I am off to do,

Alex

UPDATE

     Gee Whiz, I got so excited about sunrises I forgot to share about my cattail experience! So I have had a slow but steady love of cattails growing in my heart. It started (as many things have these days) in reading a chapter of Robin Wall Kimmerer's book Braiding Sweetgrass and has only grown as time passes. and lo and behold Ashland just seems to be overflowing with cattails, they are everywhere I look. So I got down and dirty and finally went out searching for some. I took a piece of tigers eye with me and trekked out to harvest a few stalks. I walked past the first patch I found greeting them warmly, even though I know cattails abound here I am trying to be respectful of the honorable harvest and ensure that there will always be more for others and for the plants themselves to continue to sustain. At the third patch I stopped and said hello and they swayed a little in response, I asked if I could take some stalks to practice and learn with and let the tigers eye fall in around the center of the patch, a gift back for what I was taking. I decided to just take a few of the stalks closer to the end of their life cycle since I am just learning. I grabbed one by the base of the stalk and gave a little tug, and it started to let go! Another good tug and out it popped, all yellow and green with a stubby hair rhizome on the end. Success! I found another and gave it a good tug but it didn't want to budge and in the process I got poked in the eye with another plant. Point taken, you don't want to come :) . moving on I found another, knelt down and repeated the process, another gift from the land. I figured two was plenty for my needs and trekked back to my work space. After separating all the leaves and the rhizomes (which I totally ate, they are very starchy and would probably be similar to cream of rice if you cooked them up, I just soaked them in water for a while and chewed on them.) I got down to work trying to weave with absolutely no previous experience and only a vague understanding of what I was doing. The leaves produce a gelatinous substance which is similar to aloe gel and is just as soothing, I had a few cuts on my hands and it helped greatly. Below is what I view as a knitters "washcloth" of cattail weaving. The first project :) I feel pretty proud and I think its beautiful, hopefully more to follow!

And then... Finally... Quiet.

    I come to you this morning from a place of quiet. I spent my first night last night in dear sweet Phea. I look forward to reorganizing her today, optimizing space in her is going to be high on my priority list. Over the last few days in a frenzy of packing and plans I have just kind of shoved things into random places and especially last night when I crawled in exhausted after a long day it was clear that the random shoving of objects is not going to work with this kind of lifestyle. Not that I though it would, but it's been made abundantly clear now. My main concern in all of this has been staying warm (as many of you know). I spent the night in the foothills outside of Ashland and while it was certainly chilly (a thin layer of ice on some of the smaller puddles in the morning) Annie and I stayed warm in the van. I may have shoved her under the blankets with me, I told her it was more for her benefit than mine, she happily obliged.

     Yesterday seems like a bit of a blur. Emotions ran pretty high for me, from excitement to fear to pangs of sadness. Emotional chaos however is something I have become used this year, I have worked hard to embrace it and I think more than anything I am just exhausted right now. It has taken so much energy to finally get to this point and I think a few days of rest and light work on the farm are in order. Working with the plants is a fun and new experience, and in any scenario where I have the opportunity to learn I tend to thrive so I look forward to learning.

     One of the things I have already noticed grows in abundance here is Cattails, through some reading a research I have developed a deep love of this amazingly versatile plant but have not had the opportunity to interact much with it in nature. I am very much looking forward to the chance to get to know it and introduce myself to the land here. On the trip down I stopped at a rest stop to stretch Annie's legs and my own and repack the van a little. I saw a muddy little field off the back of the rest stop and thought it might be a nice place to let her run around off leash. As I threw her sticks and wandered around the edge of the field I looked down and saw a big white crystal poking out of the ground at me. I got down and loosened the muddly dirt around it with my fingers. A little wiggle and a little more loosening and out popped this lovely chunk of quartz! Here is a (very disheveled) picture of me with it this morning:

     I took this as a good omen from the universe. I had a little piece of rose quartz in my pocket so I put that back in the earth with the brothers and sisters left from this big guy, said thank you and wandered along with this new friend. Admittedly the last thing I need in the car is more rocks, but you don't look a gift quartz in the mouth so here we are together!

     Annie is giving me the big sad "walk me" eyes so I am going to go give her a bit of a wander before repacking the car and heading out to the farm for a little while.

     Much love to you dreamers,

Alex

Stormy Skies Give Way To Stunning Sunsets

     Today I left what has been home for a very long time. While I had moments to acknowledge it happening I haven't really had time to rhuminate on it until now, almost midnight, sitting listening to the wind whip itself through the trees outside this window. I helped create a home today, it isn't my home, but the act of nesting is a comfort and distraction for me, and I think helped greatly with adjusting to this new shift in my foundation. Not to mention the opportunity to create a warm space for someone who has so faithfully arrived in the past to do just that for me. It brings me great joy to help her make her home and I am glad I get to assist before I leave.

     I am very intrigued with this notion of home. I keep reminding myself that home is where you make it. This shift has forced me to look critically at every single possession I own and ask myself very seriously, "Is this useful? Is it meaningful? How meaningful? What is its meaning? Is it important for me to keep or just important that I know it be loved and enjoyed by someone?" This last piece has proved very important. So many of the "things" I thought meant so much to me have turned out to just be things. Things that I am happy just to know exist in a space that they are loved. To be able to give of my possessions freely and see what possibility they can bring for others is something truly special. The idea that gifts are meant to be shared, that what you give eventually will come back to you, that this is all temporary and while some things are precious and it is ok to hold on to them, the more precious things we have the harder it is to see what really stands out among the rest. I love the exchange that happened in movement. Moving in, moving out, moving on. People realize that they want to share what they have, especially if what they have is a bounty. It is such a beautiful thing to share, and to let go, to free yourself of possession.

     This morning I took the following photo while practicing one last time in a space that has been the start of so many things for me. I practiced once more on the hardwood floor, no mat, no blanket, just like those first days when I told myself I had to prove that this was important, to practice every day before investing money and space into this practice. That it wasn't just a fleeting whim. I felt stripped down as I moved through the sequence that has become so familiar and comforting. Different every time but always the same. And I was so grateful for all the opportunities.

     Well anyhow, the storm here is mostly moved on and while the rain still falls and the wind still rustles in the leaves I can see clear skies on the horizon, and not just that, adventure awaits, the great unknown lies out there, almost time to go find it!

Goodnight dreamers

Alex

Time To Wander and Rest

     Two more sleeps til I bid farewell, to spaces and faces and the comfort of familiarity. I have run myself ragged over the last six weeks or so, trying to prepare for something that for the most part can't be prepared for, and I even know it can't be prepared for. Alas, the earthy-being inside of me wants some roots so I have made it a home, albeit a mobile one. The Tauren in me wants a plan so I have given her some basic structure and am also reminding her that there is hard work to be done ahead, she likes that kind of thing. The adventurer in me is anxious, anxious to get on the road and be free and run and play and find new things and meet new people and generally frolic. I see her as a hummingbird in a cage, it's a nice cage, she is well fed and loved and all her needs are met. Almost.

     So today I did all the things, I ran around to all the places and collected all the important trappings and put finishing touches on my new little cave and basically did what has come to feel normal, rushing rushing rushing. At which point I took a deep breath, and realized I hadn't taken one all day.

It . Is . Time . To . Slow . Down .

     And so I shall, more yoga, better food, more love, more breathing, more writing, more time, more space. Less ego, less anxiety, less shame. As the northern hemisphere sits solidly in the middle of autumn, sits solidly in the season of preparation for quiet and rest, I need to remember to do the same. While it may feel counter intuitive to strike out on a grand adventure right as the earth starts to close her sleepy eyes I must remember that I too am preparing for rest. In order to rest I need the space. The space away from everything and everyone, even those I love the most. I need to go find quiet and learn how to be still. I have always needed this independence, this knowledge that I could be self-sustained, self-sufficient, I do long for a partner to share that with but I also need to be able to do it myself. Just as last year I went travelling alone because it could no longer wait, I will strike out on this venture alone because I cannot wait for someone else to do it with. I will go make all my dreams realities on my own if I have to, though I hope I don't, some of my dreams include another soul, or many other souls.

     I sometimes struggle with this yearning for partnership (the independent in me is very empowered and likes to be able to go it alone) for it seems silly to wish for one more thing when I have so much. I think it is a very human thing to want companionship. We all long for our tribe, our family, our place in the community. I hope that this journey will help bring me closer to them. Or perhaps bring me closer to the space where I can gather the ones I've already found close around me and we can start to find some balance, some harmony and some peace.

All my love dreamers,

Alex

A Years Worth of Perspective - Part 1

     And so one year later I will attempt to revisit the few final days I spent travelling as well as wrap up some general feelings and highlights from the trip itself...

     Leaving any of the places I spent time travelling in was always a challenge, I never felt like I had enough time, but was always eager to see the next place: new colours, new language, new people and new experiences to be had. Mostly, let's be honest, new food to eat. Leaving Mallorca I had all those feelings of excitement of going to new unexplored territories and finding new secrets, unearthing new treasures, but it was also one of the hardest places for me to leave. During my time spent in Algaida I had a different kind of travelling experience. I put my hands in the earth on Mallorca, helped citrus trees grow, I harvested sea salt on a windswept cliff edge while waves caressed the rock face with all the tenderness of a herd of wild horses charging across an open field: wild, fierce, free, complete. I made connections to people and animals alike in this place, so much so that I felt as if I'd been there for years, not just a few short weeks. There was a sweet marriage there of simple farm life and exploring uncharted territories, everything was new and also somehow familiar. 

     My last morning I helped Sarah go feed all the dogs and ponies and cats and said goodbye to each little soul, trying to communicate to them that I was leaving, that I was sorry that we had forged this bond only for me to go away again and that I hoped one day I would return. As Sarah and I threw hay to the ponies she said something to me that even now a year later makes me tear up. "Wherever you go, whoever you meet, whatever friends you have or people you work for or people who you fall in love with, those people are so lucky to have you in their lives, you are such a truly special person with so much to give, know that you are something remarkable. And please come back ;)" What a gift. I have been blessed with a great many gifts in my short lifetime, and this one was pretty huge for me, and took a long time for me to believe and embrace as part of me. It's still a work in progress, but I am getting there.

    And onward to Barcelona, and to round out my travel experience - having flown, driven and trained all over - this time we traveled by sea. We (Renee and I) watched the sun set over the open ocean, no land in sight as far as the eye could see and packed our frozen selves into some plastic chairs to snooze the last few hours til we arrived on the mainland. We knew we could've hired a car or taken the bus to our hostel which was a ways into the city but I had found the right gal in a traveling companion and elected to drag our big ass backpacks across the city by the glow of the street lights. Barcelona was the city for me. Tiny alleys curving back on themselves with music echoing out from a distant alcove, the smell of sizzling meat and tomatoes and olive oil wafting from sprawling open patios that cascaded out onto the street, people wandering leisurely in the warm night-time air, friends calling out to each other from balcony to balcony. It was dirty, but in a tarnished silver kind of way. I never liked the way polished silver shines and shimmers, handling it at all leaves it smudged and smearing and you can see nothing but the greasy streak left by a clumsy thumb. Give me the years of meals spent laughing and drinking, give me a thousand pies forked to salivating mouths, give me the stories and secrets that lay quietly in the shadows, in the bends and folds of an elegant soup spoon. Give me a tarnished city any day, they shine much brighter and their bellies are full and warm of stories and laughter and passions. Barcelona is no exception.

And now I am tired and I know how I tend to run on, so I will end this missive and conclude another day with part 2 

All my love

Alex

Dusting off the old keyboard

Good morning friends and lovers.

     It's been almost a year since I posted a musing here, and what a year it has been. I realized I never wrote a final entry after I got home from my trip last year, I suppose I was pretty caught up with emotion at the time and then life ran away with me, funny how it has a way of doing that. I will try to go back in my journals and do a recap of my adventures in Barcelona as well as the emotional roller-coaster that was my trip home and the unpacking of two months on the road. For now though, I bring you something a little different.

     So two weeks shy of a year to my last post and the wanderlust I was left with at the end of my adventure has not abated. This year has been full of amazing adventures and I traveled to the far off distant places that reside within me. I have experience so much love and vulnerability, so much joy and play and tackling of new skills and empowerment I almost don't know where to start. I have also had the pleasure of experiencing some truly heartbreaking moments. And I do mean pleasure, in those moments (which I still have with some frequency) it can be hard to be grateful and I certainly have been angry, but when I step back and try to gain perspective on the events of the last year I could not have experienced the transformation I did without them. The moments of heartbreak and sadness are what makes the moments of pure bliss possible. Without one the other could never be as powerful. And even in those saddest moments, even when I felt like my heart was on fire, I could recognize that I had woken up from a very very long sleep, and I was grateful to be awake.

     All this is to say, while this has been a powerful year of transformation, the time is here for me to once again pack up and hit the road, although I'm doing it a little differently this time. This adventure has no definitive ending and I am seeking quiet and the opportunity to continue growing and seeking a deeper understanding of the things I have experienced this year, I am seeking some space and a break. Life in the city has become quite a struggle for me. I long for quiet and plants and fresh air. I long for views without human structures in them. I long for the wild and the unknown. I need some space. I need a minute and I need to keep practicing everything I have learned. I fully recognize the privilege I have in my ability to pursue this break, and I am nothing but grateful for it. I have worked hard all my life, I have worked hard not just in the typical jobs that we are conditioned to seek out but also in my relationships with people and animals and the space around me. I have worked hard to build relationships that help carry me forward and hope that I give that blessing to those I have forged relationships with.

     So with that, those of you who reside on the west coast, US and Canada alike, maybe prepare yourself for a knock on your door in the coming months, for I am about to go a-wandering and I don't know where it will lead me. For the time being I step southward, heading for the serenity of Southern Oregon and the opportunity to help a new friend and maybe make another of those amazing relationships I've come to realize are the foundation I have built my life on. So much love to each and every one of you, and if no one reads this, well love to each and every soul out there anyways.

     Alex

PS - Here are some pictures of what I've been up to this year! (mostly art, yoga, rocks and nature)